Saying a Good Goodbye

By Mary Lynn Kindberg

I remembered not to wear mascara, but, shoot, I forgot to put Kleenexes in my purse.

Our daughter, Christine, took off for Colombia, South America, recently to start teaching high school English at a Christian academy. I had dreaded that horrible, final airport good-bye.

She’d moved home and back into our empty-nester lives after college graduation in May. We had tea, watched chick flicks, shopped, gabbed, slurped Starbucks and hung out for two whole wonderful months.

And, now, one last hug—ooh, just one more—both of us crying as we squeezed hard. I tried not to sob as I watched her get in line for the security checkpoint. A final wave, and then we turned to go. Eric and I couldn’t handle watching until she disappeared through the scanner archway.

I cried all the way from the airport to the driveway. When we got home, I lay down on her bed and cried some more. It’s been three weeks now and despite the Internet video calls on Skype I still miss her alot.

Summer seems to be a time full of good-bye’s. Here at Spirit of Joy Pastor Ed and Mary Louise sent Jay to the Naval Academy. Merry sent her son off to a tour in Afghanistan with Special Forces. There was the quilt ceremony in May for graduating seniors. Lots of Kleenexes all around.

Good-bye’s seem inevitable, but is there a way to say a GOOD good-bye that might soften the sting of leave-taking?

For our family, it helps to plan a special ‘ceremonial meal’ (sounds like cannibals!) well in advance of the leaving date.

For Christine, we chose to set aside the Friday before she left on Sunday. Over dessert of her favorite strawberry-rhubarb pie we told her how much she means to us, how much we believed in her and her new venture, and how much we would miss her.

It was great to tell her what we really wanted to say without the craziness of last=minute packing and harried departure times. We laughed, we cried, we prayed.

I’m sure we both weren’t totally honest (especially with our fears, doubts, and concerns) but we made an attempt to express our true emotions instead of trying to ‘be strong’.

A missionary kid wrote that when she went off to boarding school her parents never cried. She thought for years that they never really missed her or were sorry to see her leave.

Not that everyone has to be a big cry-er but saying what you feel in an appropriate way seems helpful.

Another idea might be to set up a communication plan. I know this varies with the final destination but we write down new schedules, new phone numbers, new addresses, in some cases, new time zones!

Ask when would be a good time to talk. Will you call on the way or when you get there? Is texting, e-mail, chatting, or calls preferred? Internet always available? Packages, cards? How much communication feels like too much ‘mothering’?!

When Jonathan and Christine left for college, we eventually settled on a preferred time every week for our catch-up calls. Then we both could plan ahead. I also found the fun of mailing ‘care packages’ to them in easy flat-rate boxes provided at the post-office.

Also you might want to invest in a video cam for your computers or up your minutes on your cell phone plan. Have you thought about joining Facebook? You can download Skype for free and save especially on overseas calls.

And, finally, grieve your loss with God. Pastor Fran is big on writing what is called a lament. In a lament you simply list what you have lost and talk to God about it. (David did this a lot in the Psalms.) What do you miss about your special person? What is gone now that they are gone? More Kleenexes!

Let yourself remember the good times you had. Busy-ness and distractions are okay up to a point, but don’t block out everything painful. Allow plenty of time for your emotions to heal.

When I’m left behind, I’m reminded that God never ever leaves us, never ever forsakes us. He is a constant and consistent Companion. He pursues us with goodness and his unchanging love (Ps. 23).

Good-bye’s cannot be avoided. Distance inevitably changes our relationships with loved ones, but it doesn’t end them. Yes, how we relate will be different, but a new normal will evolve.

So look for that good in ‘good-bye’. The end can be the beginning of a new adventure in love, healing and knowing God.

Well…good-bye! It’s Christine’s first day of classes and only 10 p.m. Colombian time, so I think I’ll try to Skype her!